大風吹

大風吹，吹了兩天，從沒有間斷。我與T也病了兩天，是感冒。雖然身體軟弱，但不知是否風聲太厲害，叫我的心也平靜不來。想到從前,想到一些選擇的時刻。你有沒有想到在生命中，曾有一些獨特的時刻要你去選擇? 我想到年輕時到現在的三個片段。

中一下學年，我是插班生。不知是新上學的第一還是第二天，兩伙新同學們叫我一起到禮堂上早會，坐在一起。這次的選擇給我很深的印象。叫我相信若然那一個早上，我不是跟這一伙一起坐在禮堂,我的生命會有什麼改變。我的朋友圈子會不同，接下來初中的生活大概是另一個模樣。

另一個片段，自己本來沒有深刻的感受，但卻因為別人的提問,叫我想到這抉擇的重要性。到外國升學，兩所學院分別接受了我的報名。除了我選擇的San Francisco Art Institute，就是Columbia University。記得在SFAI時，我有位學士生朋友。他當時正準備報讀碩士課程。當他知道我曾有機會到哥倫比亞大學，他不停的問我為什麼?為什麼我不選哥倫比亞? 我從沒察覺這一選擇的重要性。是的，究竟為什麼?原因我是知道的，但若然我真的到了紐約，日子又會如何?

還有一個片段，是差不多六年前的事。那時我為著一些我以為很重要的事情，說了一個大話。這個大話牽連我要作出相應的行動。一切也不過發生在一小時內。我最終決定停止我本來要作的，又以另一大話完了之前的謊話。我不知道若然我決定繼續自作的故事，我的生活會有什麼改變。但我卻相信自己的決定是對的。

生活中的選擇，似有大有小。也許到什麼學校唸書，最終也是差不多。跟那一班朋友玩，也可以結交知心。可是若然我作出的選擇表現了我的價值觀、對生命的態度，這似乎才是關鍵。這些看似微小的關鍵性的選擇，每一天在我們的生活中出現。每天每刻的選擇，叫我成為怎樣的一個人。

碎片 Fragments

這二十多天過得怎樣了？昨晚在床上想到2012年的開始，那是陽光燦爛的一天。一個月快過去，人感到沉重。似是失去了剛踏入這一年時的衝勁。是因為工作忙？還是腦袋心靈沒法休息？讓我試試記下思想段落…

My last twenty something days. Last night, I though about the beginning of 2012. It was a sunny day. A month has almost passed and I feel heavy. It seems like I had lost the energy and excitement when the New Year first arrived. Was it because of busyness? Or was it because of my heart and mind was busy thinking? Let me try to write down what was on my mind…

*****

羅馬尼亞人民上街…在首都布加勒斯特大學廣場…本來是就政府醫療政治而示威。過了幾天，人們懷的必然是更多不同的原因。新聞片段，想到他們的89 年。想到他們的89，就想到我的89…看到人的面容，心情重了。再深入的去想，我們上街發聲，為的是什麼？我說是，真真正正為的是什麼？過去也好，現在也 好。是為公義？還是為己身？想到主耶穌言論挑戰當時猶太人領袖，為的是什麼呢？是為上主的國度？現今世上，還有多少義人？還是我該從另一角度看。若在人的 面容找到對生命的熱情，不是該感動嗎？

The people of Romania got on the street to demonstrate… at the University Square in Bucharest… it all began with people showing their disagreement to the medical policy. And after few days, everyone had their own reason to be on the streets. Watching the news, thinking about their 1989. And from their 1989, I though about my 1989. Looking at the people’s faces, I felt not easy. Deeper thoughts… What is the reason we protest? I mean the real reason. No matter in the past or now. Is it for justice? Is it for righteousness? Or is it for our selfishness? I thought about Jesus. He challenged the Jewish leaders at that time for what? For God’s kingdom? How many righteous man left on earth now?  Or maybe I should think in another perspective. I should celebrate when I could see passion on people faces.

*****

一天跟朋友討論對創新、對冒險的看法。我明白到人沒勇氣冒險、沒勇氣面對失敗是如何叫人洩氣的事。 但事事只求創新，而放棄了舊事、舊物價值，又不何嘗是叫人洩氣的？新和舊，不該是對立的。讓我以物件作比喻。我喜歡黑膠唱片多於mp3，喜歡菲林多於數碼 影像，我喜歡收信多於email。 但我的喜好沒有使我對新事物有所反抗，也不是因為我一味懷舊不願接受新事物。 相反我關注的是各媒體本身特性，了解它才能明白真正的價值。 新東西的出現，不是為取締舊有的，而是為創出更多的可能性。生活也是一樣。當人人追求方便、追求快、新。我的冒險精神，不就是在逆流中保存另種一生活節奏與模式？

I chat with my friend about the ideas of “new things” and “taking risk”. I understood how discouraging when people not dare to take risk and afraid of making mistake.  But if we only looking for the “new” and forget about the value of the “old”, this is also discouraging for me. “New” and “old” should never be against each other. Let me use “things” to be an example. I like record and not mp3. I prefer film than digital image. I like to read a letter more than an email. This does not mean that I am rejecting the “new things” or only indulge myself in the past. My concern is the uniqueness of each medium. Learning about each one of them so that I could understand their true value. “New things” is not meant to replace the old but to create possibility. In life, when people are chasing for the new and convenience way. I take the risk to go off the main stream, to protect another kind of lifestyle.

*****

Joyce的賀年包裹中，有《天與地》全套。 兩星期，我把劇集看完了。劇有好有不夠好的地方，我無意在此多談。只想說它讓我想到我的城市，它曾是多麼的美麗獨特。現在呢？不是因為我離家短短一年半的 關係，而是我從不知什麼時候起，我對自己的城市早已感到陌生。題外話。不由自主的，我竟然想到家駒。你們呢？

Joyce sent me a Chinese New Year package. In the package, there is a video of a new TV drama from Hong Kong. I finished the whole show in two weeks. I am not trying to talk about the TV drama here. I just want to say that the show makes me think of my city, Hong Kong. It was once so beautiful and unique. And now? It is not because I have been away from home for 1 and a half-year, but I don’t know since when, I became a stranger of my city.

*****

日前得知導演安哲羅普洛斯於24日逝世的消息，心中有著淡淡哀愁。謝謝他的電影，他的影象曾震撼我心，他電影中的音樂曾在學院的走廊流動。記得跟朋友談過，現今還有電影大師嗎？我們好像沒有下結論，只感到這時代可能容不下大師了。

聖誕節，Titus給我買了DVD作禮物。是黑澤明的《酩酊天使》(1948)。收禮物時我笑不停，因他跟本不知那電影好不好看,也不知黑澤明是誰，如此勇敢的買了這DVD給對電影什是挑剔的我。看電影後他很是興奮。過了一星期，很心急的又要看書架上我的《七武士》 (1954) 。Titus說這導演已成為我最喜歡的了！

有沒有大師問題還重要嗎？只要知道有些東西是永恆的，這便已足夠。

Director Theo Angelopoulos passed away on the 24^th. Thank you so much for his films. Thank you for his images that touched my heart. And the music from his films were once flowing in the hallway of my university campus. Once I had a discussion with my friend,

questioning if there are still film master now days? We didn’t have a conclusion. I  felt that this era could not fit in a master any more.

Christmas, Titus bought me a DVD. Drunken Angel (1948) from Akira Kurosawa. I couldn’t stop laughing when I received his gift. Cos he had no idea if the film is good or not. And he had no idea who Kurosawa is. Titus was just too brave to buy a DVD as a gift for his wife who is so picky on film. He was so excited after watching the movie. And a week later, he couldn’t wait to see Seven Samurai (1954) in my collection. When the film ended, he said this director is now his favorite.

Does it really matter if there is still film master or not? It is good enough if there is something that could last eternal.

*****

把一段段腦海中浮現過的事記錄下來。是不完整的，可是我發現它們的共同性。今天,與T到海邊Casino，想不到這多年關閉的地方竟開放給市民參觀。破落與華麗同一時間出現眼前。看到窗外的黑海，總是美麗。

Finally jot down all my fragmented thoughts. They are not complete but I realize they are actually dots on the same line. Today, Titus and I went to Casino by the seaside. This building had been closed for years and we were surprise that it opened for public today. Decline and splendor came into my eye at the same time. Looking out of the window. The Black Sea is always gorgeous.

to choose 選擇

In the morning, I choose to wake up eariler. I choose to jog with T by the sea. I choose to believe in the Truth. I choose to love. I choose to bless.

這早上，我選擇早起。我選擇與T到海邊慢跑。我選擇相信真理。我選擇去愛。我選擇祝福他人。

22012011

It is the 22nd day. The beginning of the year was not an easy one but it reminded me what I am pursuing in my life. Days reveal my strength and weakness.  I am glad that my thinking flows with the passing of time.  It is a continuous refine process.  I, still, wish to refresh my understanding of God daily.  I ask for a teachable heart and mind.

More, I miss my desk. Since I was in secondary school, I had my own desk. Now,  I miss that space.

有關書寫 About writing

我曾喜歡書寫。會考後的暑假開始，我會把意念、感受、情緒，以文字紀錄在筆記本上。有的是短短的段落，又或是一些句子。大學時期，筆記本上記下的是創作意念跟圖像。我曾喜歡寫信，中學時期隔兩天便給朋友寫。我也曾喜歡在網誌上分享文字。近年，我寫的越來越少。我再沒擁有筆記本，也不多寫網誌了。這是我對文字忠實性的懷疑，和對書寫動機作出提問。又深受Bresson*的影響，在銀幕上不放置不該出現之物，我也想自己要寫的，沒有一字是不該記下。不願抒情，因不相信文字能準確的把情感傳遞。思想不斷轉化，是連續的反醒、確認再反醒。沒找到自己書寫的意義，文字變得簡單，最後什麼也不寫。我這人反覆思量得太快，對別人對自己也太挑剔。結果什麼也沒作已把自己否定了。

兩個多月沒有在這地記下點什麼，因為書寫的決心不夠大，想到記下的事情積下太多，還有我對自己的嚴厲等。現在想，自己該對書寫有新的看法。而對自己也該寬容一點。學習接受與承認自己的不足。不斷的反省變化，也是誠實的表現。這網誌的開始，本為了分享有關我的生活。文字的不足，不需要從生命中剔除。這是一個過程的紀錄，而不是日子的總結。

I used to write. The summer holiday after the public exam of secondary school 5, I would put down my thoughts, feeling and emotion on a notebook. They could be short paragraph or sentences. During years in university, on my notebook were ideas and images about cinema and filmmaking. I used to like writing letter. I wrote to my friends every other days during secondary school years. I also used to share my writing on blog as well. Recent years, I wrote less and less. I didn’t own a notebook anymore and not writing on my blog that often. I question about the integrity of words and the motive of writing.  I deeply influenced by Bresson* idea on cinema: there shouldn’t be anything extra on the screen. So I don’t want anything “extra” in my writing as well. I don’t want to be sentimental, as I do not believe that words could accurately present sentiments. My thoughts transform continuously. Reflect and confirm and reflect. I couldn’t find the meaning of writing and my word became less. Then I stop writing. My ideas transform too quickly and I am too critical to other and myself. I deny myself before anything idea came to life.

I haven’t written anything here for more than 2 months. I was not determining to write, there were too many thoughts and I was harsh to myself. Now I am thinking, I should have a fresh view on writing and be easy to myself. I should learn to accept and admit my limitation. Continuous transformation could also be an act of honesty. This blog was meant to be a place to share about my life. The limitation of words doesn’t need to take away from “life”.

This should be a record of a process and not a conclusion of the days.