要寫，原是基於愛 To write again, as it is founded in love

已經不知想了多少遍，希望重新寫blog。但總是找不到時間和機會。這夏天所發生的事，叫我反覆思考生命。我又想到，即使文字何等不足以表達生命的複雜層面，我仍是要試著用文字記錄生活。要寫，原是基於愛。

I couldn’t count how many times I wanted to restart my blog writing. There was never the time and chance. What had happened in this summer, made me think deeply about life. I realized even written words are so limited in representing the complexity of life, I should still put things down. To write again, as it is founded in love.

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差不多兩年的時間，我和T每天也在等待新生命的到來。等待的過程時刻也感到孤單、失望。同時間這那些日子，正好把我們拉得更近。直到一天，那期待已久的生命終於降臨。我們心中有說不盡的喜悅。有些晚上，我會睡不了，靜靜的感受著生命在我肚腹中的奇妙。還有什麼能比這樣的距離要接近？我與小嬰兒的生命在重疊著。不由自主地，我對他說：「我很愛你。」這愛，是我從未認識的。

是炎熱的夏日，我與T 到醫院作檢查。醫生告訴我們，嬰孩沒有心跳的現象，這很有可能是流產。回到家中， 可以說的不多，只知到心很痛，像被撕掉一般。我哭，是很單純的難過。我跟神對話， 那一刻最清晰的思緒，是我很愛上主。沒想到在最痛的時候，我發現自己對神的愛。T在外走走回來，我跟他說我所領受，而他說那亦正是他剛深刻感受到的。

經過兩星期的驗血和檢查，流產的徵狀出現了。我要到醫院作手術。安靜的房間，身旁的護士叫我睡吧。慢慢地，我失去知覺。不知過了多久，我感受到光，迷糊的卻又是溫暖的。那一刻，我只有感受，沒有思考。我又感受到聲音，也許天使的歌聲便是這樣。又不知多久，我開始意識到自己剛經歷過什麼。神柔和的告訴我，嬰孩跟祂一起了，一切也好。死亡在我的身體內發生。還有什麼能比這樣的距離接近？ 與此同時永恆是真實的存在。我深刻的體會到死亡不是終結。

難過，是因我對孩子的思念。喜樂，因為我的孩子永恆地在美好的地方。神的同在，讓我有出人意外的平安。我的孩子啊！我很想你，也很愛你。主呀！感謝你的同行，感謝你從不離棄。

「如今常存的有信、有望、有愛這三樣，其中最大的是愛。」哥林多前書 13:13

It had been almost 2 years. T and I were looking forward for a new life in our family. The waiting time wasn’t easy. Loneliness and disappointment came in our way. Except those days brought us closer to one and other. Until one day, the new life that we had been waiting for finally arrived. There was unspeakable happiness in our heart. I couldn’t sleep at night sometimes, quietly amazed by the miraculous life that was in my belly. Is there any distance that could be closer than this? The life of the baby is overlapping with mine. I told this new life, how much I love him. This love, I never known before.

It was a hot summer day. A day for my check up at the hospital. The doctor told us that baby has no signs of heartbeat and it could possibly be a miscarriage. We went home, had not much to say. What I knew is that my heart was aching as if it had been torn. I cried, simply because of sadness. I talked to the Lord, and the clearest thought came in my mind was that I love God. I never imagine at the most painful moment; I discover my love to Jesus. Later, T came back from a walk, I shared with him what I received. And he said, that was exactly the same thing that he experienced.

The symptoms of miscarriage appeared after 2 weeks of blood test and examination. I had to have a surgery at the hospital. It was a quiet room. The nurse next to me said, “sleep”. Slowly, I lost my conscious. Not knowing how much time has passed, I sense light. It was blurry but warm. At that moment, I could only sense without thinking. Then I sense sound, maybe that how it sound when the angels sing. And after certain time, I started to recognize what I went through. Then God gently spoke to me that the baby is with Him, he is good. Death took place inside my body. Is there any distance that could be closer than this? However there is eternity. I deeply experience that death is not the end.

There is sadness, as I miss my child. There is joy, for my child is in eternity at the wonderful place. God’s presence gave me supernatural peace. My child, I love you and I miss you. Lord, thank you for walking with us, and thank you for never forsaking me.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

By Titus

How can I put the things I had experience into words? When I look back on the day we received the news that our little baby inside Hazel isn’t growing and there were no heart beat. And the possibility that it is a miscarriage. We were speechless. We were quiet. What could we say? I was trying my best to be strong for Hazel. But I remember being in the bathroom alone on that day crying out to God, “God, this kills me. This really hurts.”

After some weeks gone by, I slowly became depressed. I think it’s because sadness has overwhelmed me. Even though, we both had received peace from God, it was still hard to walk through each day.

But in the mist of it all, God has taking me on a journey with him. A journey into His presence. He has taken my lowly spirit and filled me with His joy. I didn’t know that I could experience such joy. I love God and I enjoy being with Him more than ever.

“You make know to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at you right hand are pleasures forevermore.”  Psalm 16:11