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(已超過一年半沒有寫Blog。這次寫寫，不代表接下來會定時貼文。但這仍是我一直以來的心願。I haven’t written on my blog for more than 1.5 year now. Even though I wish that I could post regularly, this new entry doesn’t guarantee what I will do in the future here.)

剛度過了我的生晨。沒有什麼特別的慶祝，只是和T到C城唯一的日本小店，我吃拉麵，他吃豬排飯。自離 開香港，生日也是這麼簡單的度過。今年心情卻有一點不同，我想多了一點。想到我的過去，如何走到現在的自己。最近的兩年，我對生命的重量，有更深一層的體 會。而這重量帶來的磨練，叫我看得比從前透澈。正因為看得清了，面對每一天，我也更是認真。認真，我喜歡。

1978年10月8日下午，我在香港浸會醫院出生了。

My birthday just passed. I didn’t do anything too special to celebrate my birthday but went to the only Japanese restaurant in city C with T. I had ramen noodles and T had pork chop with rice. Since I left Hong Kong, my birthdays had been simple. This year, I felt a little different. I think more about my past. Think about how my past leaded my way to the present. The last two year, I have a deeper understanding of the weight of life. The heaviness brought challenges and it taught me to see more clearly. And as I could see more clearly, I face my day more seriously. I like to be serious.

October 8th, 1978, afternoon, I was born.

想到電影 A few things with film

我們這邊有個朋友，很喜歡《錦繡良緣》(Fiddler on the Roof, 1971)。每三個月便要重看這電影一次。這晚上又是重看的日子，我和T待了一會便回家了。坐下來想到自己和電影的關係。幾天前香港的朋友在電郵中告訴我電影節開幕了，問我有什麼的感受。這問題可難倒我了。離開有關電影的工作，原來差不多五年了。那我離電影本身，又有多遠呢？

We have a friend here who loves Fiddler on the roof (1971). Almost every 3 months, he would watch the movie again. Tonight is the screening night again, T and I stayed a little and we went home. Sitting in my living room, I think about my relation with film. A few days ago, a Hong Kong friend emailed me about the opening of the Hong Kong International Film Festival. She asked how is my feeling? This is a hard question for me. It is almost 5 years since I left the film related job. So how far did I leave film?

自09年離開從前的生活圈子，我跟電影總是充滿煩惱。煩惱一，人們問到我喜歡什麼電影，要不是不明我在說什麼，就是我不知如何解釋，又或是問我的人跟本沒有耐性聽完我要說的。另一煩惱，是當一班朋友說要看電影，問我要看什麼，又或是對他們的選擇有什麼看法，我總想不到一個能叫人理解的答案。還有一個煩惱，就是當人們討論新上畫的電影時，我沒法不變得沈默。五年過去，我從從前每天超過8小時談電影、寫電影、看電影，到現在的沈默。我不希望忘記自己跟電影的關係，所以在此寫下來，提醒自己。

In 2009, I left my circle of ‘life’, sine then, there is always trouble when talking about film. Trouble on, whenever people ask me what movie do it like, they either didn’t understand what I was talking about, or I didn’t know how to explain. Or people just have no patient to wait until I finish my answer. Trouble two, when a group of friend would like to see a film together, I have difficulties to give a simple response when they ask what Is my suggestion or what I think of their decision. And another trouble, whenever people talk about a new release, I could not help myself to be silent. Five years had past, from talking,writing, watching movies more than eight hours a day, to now, silent. I don’t want to forget my relation with cinema, so I am writing here to remind myself.

我的父母愛看電影，我和哥哥也深受影響。從前明珠台不時也會播歐洲電影，杜魯福（François Truffaut）的《四百擊》(Les quatre cents coups, 1951) 打開了我的電影視野，那時我大概是小學又或是初中生吧！《悲情城市》（1989）上映，小年紀的我和家人到戲院看。自己當時看不懂，但卻被電影的力量吸引了。又記得坐第一排看《牯嶺街少年殺人事件》（1991），和對自己看完該片的劇本而驕傲。

My parent like watching movies and it hugely influenced my brother and I. When I was little, the TV showed some European film once in a while. The 400 Blows （Les quatre cents coups, François Truffaut, 1951) opened my perspective to cinema. 1989 I went to the cinema with my family to see City of Sadness. I remember that I couldn’t understand but I was deeply moved by the power of cinema. I also remember I sat in the first row to see A Brighter Summer Day (1991), and proud of myself as I read through the whole script of the film.

中五的夏天在商台打暑期工。當年林海峰開拍短片《天空小說》（1995）。我本來是在公關部工作的，但當年的好同事知我喜歡電影，讓我去幫忙拍攝工作。十多天的拍攝，還有我要求參與後期，叫我真的愛上了電影。那個夏天時常下雨。拍攝多在晚上開始，到第二天的早上。收工時，van仔高速穿梭大雨中的公路。現在回想起來，真的有點超現實。天空小說的攝影是杜可風，編劇的除林海峰外，是彭浩翔，副導演為葉偉信，助美是文念中，劇照夏永康。這些和我共事半個夏天的人，多懂一點香港電影的也知道他們是誰。

The summer of 16, I worked at the Commercial Radio of Hong Kong. That year the famous radio host, Jan Lamb, made his his short film, Out of the Blue (1995). I was working at thePR department, and the nice coworkers let me to help with the film production. 10 days of shooting with the post production, I totally fell in love with filmmaking. That was a rainy summer. The shooting started at night and ended in the early morning. The working van drove through the rainy highway in Hong Kong at dawn time. When I think about those days, it was quiet surreal. The crew that I spent half of the summer with, the assistant director, the assistant art director, the scriptwriter, are now well known in the Hong Kong film industry.

中學畢業，到倫敦唸書去。除了做電影、攝影等的功課、去音樂會，就是看電影。新的，舊的，什麼也看。一年後回到香港，繼續讀電影、看電影、拍電影，還有跟好友們談電影。那時看香港國際電影節的節目，我總愛坐在第一排。我不喜歡受到別人的打擾，眼前只有銀幕，是我和電影的世界。多年後發現自己真的有點瘋。在文化中心坐第一排看電影，大概只會叫我全身作痛吧！

After graduate from high school, I studied in London. During those days, I spent most of my time doing film and photography project, going to concert and go to cinema. New ones, old ones, I saw whatever was available. A year after, I continue to study film in Hong Kong.continue to make film, to watch movies and discuses films with good friends. In the university years, when I saw movies during the film festival, I loved to sit at the front row. I don’t like to be disturb when I am watching a film. When I sit in the front, that is only the screen in front of me. That the world of me and the film alone. Years later, I recognized how crazy I was. Sitting in the front row of the Cultural Center for a movie, it only give me body arch, nothing else.

03年，到三藩市藝術學院讀電影。那是叫我謙卑的兩年。實驗電影讓我看到電影藝術的無限性。與些同時領略到製作電影的我的無力與限制。電影菲林及數碼錄像媒體，我從前花太少的時間去了解及認識他們。當那時想要把作品作完全的掌握，才發現自己的不足。書讀過了，對電影有更多問號。

2003, I started my study in San Francisco art institute. That were a humbling two years. Experimental films show me the unlimited possibilities of film art. At the same time, as a filmmaker, I experience my limitation. I realized I never spent my time energy to understand and know the medium of film and digital video. The material itself. And when I wanted to have full control of my work, I saw my weaknesses. After my study in San Francisco, I raise even more questions regarding film.

回香港後，在電影節和電影資料館工作。對香港電影及電影人加深了情感與尊重。與此同時，又一次謙卑的經驗。在一卷又一卷電影菲林中，看到歷史。我所認識的，能領會的實在微不足道。小時候就自己讀原整部《牯嶺街少年殺人事件》的劇本而沾沾自喜，現在想自己真是傻。

I worked at the International Film Festival and Film Archive after I got back to Hong Kong. My respect and love to Hong Kong cinema and filmmaker increased. Again, another humbling experience. In the mountain of film cans, I saw history. When I knew was only the surface. When I was little, I could proud of myself by reding a film script. I was so silly.

這些我和電影的事，記下來了。那我的煩惱，又該如何解決？還是，我只要改變對所謂煩惱的態度就成了？說到底，我不是從來也喜歡一個人看電影？我和電影之間，又何需別人的理解？

These are some of my stories with films. I recorded them down. But how bout my troubles? Or maybe I could simply change my attitude to look at those so called “troubles”? After all, I love to see movie alone. Is it really necessary for others to know what’s between me and cinema?

 

念昊sir * In memory of Ho Sir

舊同學們因為老師的離開在Facebook上再一次走在一起。也許不過是數段留言，也許在很短的時間後，我們又會各奔東西，這一「聚」也是叫我感動的。
***
去年十二月，昊Sir去世。回想從前有關老師的片段，不禁落淚。為什麼會哭呢？是傷心？是懷念？還是知道可以回想的，就只有這些。在未來的日子，沒法加添更多了。
***
大學二年級，編劇課。那天是交劇本功課的日子。昊Sir在堂上放影片，什麼電影，我不記得了。因為我還在埋頭完成我的劇本功課。在黑暗的教室，昊Sir走到我身旁，輕聲的叫我先專心看電影，劇本遲些交也可以。他一說，叫我感到羞愧之餘，卻又是我對老師第一份深刻親切的印象。
***
課後活動，放映《一個字頭的旦生》。請來了韋家輝出席對談會，由昊Sir主持。過程中，有電話響起。響了良多也沒有人關機，而韋家輝與昊Sir繼續對答。好一會，昊Sir淡定的從襯衫的口袋拿出正在響的手提電話，把它關掉，然後像沒事發生一樣。如你看過《一個字頭的旦生》，必明白幽默之處。
***
那一年，老師得了病。我打電話告訴好同學。還記得她哭了。
***
在電影資料館工作時，請來昊Sir作座談會講者。他早把座談會材料給我，好讓我安排同事放映。座談會當日，來的觀眾不少，我在影院一旁待命。昊Sir在台前說著說著，突然叫我的名字，海素。「海素，那些東西準備好了嗎？」在一眾人前叫我的名字，嚇了我一跳，而且，更是我的中文名字。老師，你的親切太有趣了。
***
2012年尾回港，帶T參觀母校。電影電視系早已搬到新的校舍。在陌生的新大樓，第一個踫上的便是昊Sir。我興奮的介紹老師跟T認識，老師則熱情的叫人帶我們參觀新校舍。短短的一聚，興高采烈。參觀後回到跟昊Sir踫面的走廊，可惜老師己不在，沒法說一句再見。
***
今天昊Sir出殯。身在遠方，只能在此告別。
昊Sir,我有幸成為你的學生。你敍事學的教導，不單是在電影上，而在藝術、生活上也給我啟發。謝謝你的親切與幽默感。你最後一堂課跟我們一眾同學說「江湖再見」，我想沒有一個忘了這句話。

昊Sir，期望一天，江湖再見。

Because of the pass away of our teacher, my old classmates came together again on Facebook. It might be only a few messages passing around, or maybe after a short while, we will all go in our own directions again. But this short “gathering” touched my heart.

***
December 2013, “Ho Sir”* passed away. Looking back the moments of my teacher, tears came out from my eye. Why did I cry? Sadness? Maybe I realize that those are all the things that I have about Ho Sir. In the coming future, I will not have the opportunities to add more pieces to my memory.
***
Second year of university, scriptwriting class. It was the day to hand in the script. Ho sir showed a film during the lesson and I didn’t remember the title of it as I was still working on my script the last-minute. In the dark classroom, Ho Sir walked next to me, and softly he told me to focus on the film, and my script could hand in later. I felt ashamed because of his kindness. And that’s my first memorial moment of my teacher.
***
Afterschool event, film screening, Too Many Way to be Number 1. Director Wai Kar-fai was invited to the Q & A section and Ho Sir was the host. During the event, somebody’s mobile phone was ringing. It last for a while and no one answered that phone. Wai Kar-fai and Ho Sir continued their dialogue up front and slowly Ho Sir took out his mobile phone from his pocket. Then everyone realized it was his phone ringing. He switched it off, put it back and acted like nothing happened. If you watched Too Many Way to be Number 1, you understand the comic aspect here.
***
That year, teacher got sick. I called my good classmate to let her know. She cried.
***
When I was working at the Film Archive, Ho Sir was invited to be the speaker of several seminars. He sent me the material that he wanted to show before hand so that I could make the arrangement with the protectionist. On the seminar day, there was a lot of audience. I stood at the back of the cinema and ready to help. Ho Sir was doing his talk and suddenly he called my name, Hoi Sue. “Hoi Sue, are the material ready?” In front of all the audience, he called my name. It surprised me and more than that, he called my name in Chinese. Teacher, you are funny.
***
End of 2012, I made a trip back to Hong Kong. I brought T to visit my old school. The Cinema and Television Department had already moved to a new building. In the unfamiliar building, the first one that I met was Ho Sir. I was excited and introduced him to T. Ho Sir happily got someone to show us around the new building. That was a short gathering moment filled with joy. After the tour of the new facilities, we walked back to the hallway where we met Ho Sir but he wasn’t there anymore. I was not able to say Goodbye.
***
Today is Ho Sir funeral. Being far way, I could only say goodbye here.
Ho Sir, I am honoured to be your student. Your teaching on narrative theory inspired me not only in cinema but also in art and life. Thank you very much for your kindness and humour. In your last lesson, you told all the students, “See you again in Jianghu”. I think none of us forget that.

Ho Sir, wish that one day, I’ll see you again in Jianghu.

Ho Sir/ Ng Chun-bong:  “Acclaimed historian, teacher and scriptwriter. A prolific author, Ng – better known by his pen name Ng Ho – wrote extensively on Hong Kong history and popular culture, ranging from film to fashion. His 2003 book, The History of Hong Kong Television Volume One, was considered the first comprehensive study of the history of Hong Kong television.”

11012014

2014年第十一天，完整了去年的相片選。

我們的2013年, 豈只是相片所紀錄的。
真光臨到世上。以馬內利，願你未來一年體驗上主的同在。
2014，懷著信、滿有盼望、實踐愛。

On the eleventh day of 2014, I completed last year photo album.

Our 2013 was more than what the images captured.
The true light has come into the world.
Immanuel, God with us, may you experience His Presence in the coming year.
2014, live by faith, hope in Christ, abounded with love.

magical

1994, world cup. I clearly remembered that I didn't like Swedish football team. They beat Romania! Remember? But since I came to Romania, I have a good Swedish friend Martin*. He changed my view toward his country. Sometime I think about almost 20 years ago, the little me and the little him were watching the football game live at the same time, far apart. He was happy and I was sad. That's football, magically bring people together. Last Friday night after the Cafe closed, we watched 2 world cup qualifying game at the same time. On the wall was Portugal vs Sweden, and Greece vs Romania was on the computer screen. Me and Corinne* were totally acting. Martin & T were serious.